84 minutes of pure emotion.

alright, be prepared for a LONG ass entry. i'm just going to say whatever i have to say and i don't care what order it falls in.

no one seems to understand that the big things really don't bother me. it's the little things that bother me. specific example: it doesn't bother me when a girl decides she wants her old boyfriend back, rather than whatever her and i had. what DOES bother me is when she decides not to call me the day she promised to. when i finally get ahold of her on the phone she wants me to read it and doesn't care to speak to me. then leaves to go out of town for 4 days. when she returns, she'll expect me to call because she won't. and i'll try not to call, because i did nothing wrong. still, she won't call, so i'll end up calling and she'll either not be home or not want to talk. so i'll still be left with no fucking inkling as to what the fuck happened. ya, i know the general shit, but like i said previously, i need the little shit. it's what kills me. then the two of us won't speak for a while and just plain won't get along because she fucked with my emotions and didn't have the fucking courtesy to say anything to me. so we won't be friends. and she'll hold that against me. because i'd said (while we were whatever the fuck we were) that i didn't know if we could be friends if we were to quit being whatever the fuck we were. i explained that if we were to quit being what we were it would probably be because our friendship degenerated. that's what always happened in the past. she alays told me that she wasn't like all the women in my past. WELL WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? she disregarded any sense of friendship so she could end whatever the fuck we were. i want to call her so many names. bitch, cunt, whore, slut. i want to call her so many things. beautiful, wonderful, smart, funny. i want black to meet white and not make gray. i want this hatred and love i feel to turn into something other than loathing. i want to yell and scream and slap her. i want to hug her and kiss her and smile. all of this is turning into: i don't want to talk to anyone except her. i want to feel sorry for myself and whine and have people ask what's wrong. and when they ask, i want to tell them nothing is wrong. and then they'll know something's wrong and be insisstant and i can get annoyed with them. then i can vent my frustrations about her towards them and i'll feel better until i realize that i'm using the people that actully care to make sure i'm ok. i'm using them for a whipping post. then i'll feel even worse. and i can drown in my own self pity. and she'll mock me for that. she'll say "you're just trying to feel sorry for yourself." and i'll hate her for saying it. and i'll know she's right. but i'll know she's wrong. because i'll want to get back with an old girlfriend. or find a new one. i'll want to have someone to hold. to spite her. so i can still brag and be happy. so i won't have to listen to a busy signal because the woman i care about left the phone off the hook. and she'll say "he's just doing it to make me feel bad." and i will be. and she won't feel bad. and she'll be right. and she'll be wrong. because i want something new. i want something that's not the past mistakes i've made. fuck that. i'm wrong. they were NOT mistakes. anyone i've dated/fucked/loved/anything else was NOT a mistake. i've grown from it all. i'm not the only person that grows. she grew too. she said "Without his support and help I would have problems.." and goes on to explain those problems. so i got to enjoy a person that he fixed. and now he gets her back after i helped fix her. i showed her happiness that didn't require drugs. i showed her happiness that didn't require sex. and i can't be jealous that he gets to enjoy it. i'm not jealous. i enjoyed his improvements, now he'll revoke mine. so fucking be it, i guess. she'll be happy with him. for a time. and she'll want to stay friends, want me to still be here for her when she needs someone to crawl to. when he leaves her shattered on the floor. and i want to be here for her. but she doesn't want me to be. because she doesn't want to be left torn, left broken, left tattered, by a person who's previously destroyed the beauty in her. and i don't want to be here for her. i don't want to wait around for someone who chose NOT to be with me. i want to rub it in her face when he fucks her over. i don't want to say i was right though. i don't want to be right. i want her to be happy. that's what i want. i want her to be a better person. that's why this fucking sucks. he's going to tear down all i helped her build up. did i even help her build anything up? or was it all a front? i can't know. she won't talk to me. but in the end, i'll be blamed for not talking to her. and she'll be upset that i posted this here. but i really don't give a fuck. i want people to be able to read it. but i don't want them to. i want them to know and just shut the fuck up. because i don't want to have to explain. it's all right here. and i don't want your fucking imput on the situation. we're done and she's not going to explain shit to me. even though i'm "the best person i've met in a long time" and she "told the fucking truth to who it mattered" and 2 days ago she said "I miss you already." she values my friendship more than she's letting herself recognize. and she's scared of it. why? because "i'm affraid i'll fall too deeply, too quickly in love with you. i can already see it happening." because i won't let her be a bad person. i won't let anyone i care about be a bad person. except myself. no, that doesn't mean i don't care about myself. but if i'm going to help someone become the best person they can be, what then? they've got nothing left to improve. so they must destroy. aye, it seems all my girlfriends turn to drugs after we break up. and promescuity, or at least excessive sex with their new (and REALLY quickly acquired) boyfriend. no one wants a perfect world or a perfect life. it's too fucking happy. we as human being can't take it. we need to constantly be improving, and if we can't, we feel inadiquite. any blessing given is too much. so when HE helped HER become a better person, she didn't want him any more. then I helped HER become a better person. so she doesn't want me anymore. maybe he'll have a bit to add. but it'll require breaking down of what i added. i honestly wanted to break down what she added to me. i was already assuming this was coming. when i was driving around tonight, i was already considering the fact that ozzy is back. that angie wishes to hang out. that tory and i have begun speaking. that julie and joey have taken time appart. aye, four ex-girlfriends. problem, i don't fucking care. i could break down when she helped me establish, but i don't want to. i'd considered all four of them and realized they'd all helped me add too myself, and i immediately broke down what they added. but it's still there haunting me. and i cherish it. i don't need to return to someone who once refused me. i can simply be. be single. be single again. a glimmer of happiness, found floating in a sea of hope. a sea of hope that i'm not in. i'm over on the land. the land of dispare. because fuck this shit. i don't need to do things the way everyone else does. i'll build my own fucking kingdom of hapiness. inside your land of dispare. that's right, while you're moping around that you've finally found happiness and you feel the need to throw your hapiness away and find new hapiness. fine. FUCK YOU. if i have happiness, i know how to fucking cherish it. if i feel like i'm falling in love, i'm happy. i'm not affraid of flling in love, like her. my only fear lies in not being loved back. and maybe that's what she was scared of. none of it matters anymore. i need to write this so i can get it out. so i don't have to mope and hate and love. i can move on. another section of my life has ended. maybe she'll be my friend still. i don't want her back. don't miscontrue all this as a pathetic attempt to get her back. well, i do want her back. and i might love her. but i don't want her to just bend over and come back. i want her to not be with him. that's what's hurting me. she says "That is just the way he is, but it wasn't meant to be bad. I can't explain, he's an unintentional asshole." he's going to tear down the improvements i made. that's what bothers me. because i do still care about her. i want her to be happy. i don't want her to be "with" either of us. i'd like to stay her friend. i don't know if i can. i don't want him to be her friend. it doesn't take the two of them dating to allow him to break down what i built. i don't want him to break it down. not the tradition, that's what he feeds her. shit like (and this isn't an actual quote, it's what i picture him saying) "we had something special and i want it back" and "well, you always seemed to enjoy yourself on [said drug]" and "we'll be doing it together, it'll be something we can share." i KNOW he'll say things along those lines or already has. but tradition is bull shit. her and i shared some shit. but fuck that. our relationship (as whatever it turns out to be) will NOT be founded on what we HAD. i will NOT stay friends with her just because we were friends while she wasn't with him. it will NOT be because of what we had when we were whatever the fuck we were. if i'm to stay friends, it will be because of who we are now and who we're becoming. that's why i said i might not be able to stay friends if we quit being whatever the fuck we were. i just couldn't come up with these words when i first informed her of that. i don't want to be her friend if she's going to revert to who she was while with him. i want to see her continue to be beautiful. she says "Well, I'm not a pretty girl." that's bull shit. and whoever the fuck is telling her that needs to choke. she's been more beautiful recently than i've ever seen her. she says "And to think, the time when he needed me the most, where was I..? Falling for someone else, fucking someone else. I am fucking shit." where were you when he needed you? you were doing what YOU needed. you were being there for yourself. you were falling for someone else because they offered you something he couldn't. A FUCKING FUTURE. and you're returning to him because he offeres you a past. FUCK. i want to kiss her SO much. i want to let her slip into my mind. i want her to be able to look at all of this through my view. i'm not hurt. believe it or not, i'm not hurt by not being with her. i'm hurt by the prospect that she's going to destroy herself. and one thing is lingering and haunting me even more. she signed what she wrote "Good Night." and said "good night" before hanging up the phone when i called her (before reading anything). she KNEW i always said good night because it's the only way i can express that i care about a person. ya, it's a silly way, but it's what i say. until this point, she'd NEVER said good night on the phone, in person, or in writing. and she gives me it twice tonight. i explained it as "my desire to kiss a person and just let them know things will be alright." is she trying to get some fucking sort of closure out of that? her way of saying "good bye, eric. i think i fell for you and now i'm running away." i mean FUCK. i want her back. but not like this. i don't want her back. i want her to want me back. so i can have her, but know it was by her choice. i want her to be able to fly. see the world from far away and it's easier to reflect. she didn't need to tell me everything because i already knew. and she knows i know. and she'll know this is all true when she reads it. it'll hurt her. she'll deny it. and she'll say she not lieing to herself. tonight she said "I've been dishonest- not to you, but to myself and to him." and she'll stay dishonest to herself. she's returning to the past because she's scared of the future. she's being more dishonest to herself now than before. she'll tell herself she wants this enough. she'll believe it. but it won't be feelings. it'll be thoughts. aye, i may never get her back, i may never even want her back. but he WILL NEVER get her back. like i said previously about what my ex-girlfriends gave me, it'll haunt her what i gave her. she'll know there is always a better life (that doesn't mean with me) out there. this life she's trying to live is not the life she feels she wants. it's what she thinks she wants. i've said it before, and i'll repeat it now, "your moment of clarity is often your most incorrect moment." because clarity is about thought. when all your thoughts finally fit, your feelings have been totally disregarded. when all is said and done, she'll count her self my "collection of depressed Break up stories where YOU are the good guy, and you get fucked over." unfortunately, that collection exists only to the listener. i have had unique relationships in which i learned more about myself. i was usually the bad person in them. i can understand how she could miscontrue it. i am sad about relatioships ending. and why she'd think i think i was the good person. i tried to improve the person i was in a relationship with. and they broke up with me. that doesn't make me the good guy. fuck that last sentence was written on thought rather than just how i feel. so i'm going to end this before it becomes clouded with thought. this is all how i feel. this is all what's been eating me. this is what makes me. this is me. and i love her.