i do NOT want to blow my brains out.

take this however you want to.

i'm sick of pretty much everything. now i'm not one to kill myself because suicide is for the weak, but last weekend i really wished i had life insurance and car insurance so i could just ram a highway overpass. maybe then, the money that i owe people would get paid back. i could FINALLY make people's lives better when they'd get a shitload of money from my death. however, i've no insurance because i'm way too fucking poor. i got a call from a bill collector today. i have until thursday night to set-up some sort of payment plan before they make my outstanding school debt a legal issue. i've nowhere i can get $1800 from. this means i HAVE to have a job by thursday so i can tell them to take it out of my paychecks. plus, i owe mom about $1500, plus i owe bud money, plus rent is due in a week, plus utilities will be due in 2 weeks. i don't have car insurance or a valid drivers license.

you know that eminem song "rock bottom?" well, i do. "when life makes you make enough to kill, when you want something bad enough to steal, when you feel like you've had it up to here, 'cuz you're mad enough to scream, but you're sad enough to tear...that's rock bottom." "this life i live's for eternal torture and pain. so right now, i feel like i just hit the rock bottom."

i weighed my options the other night. by the other night i mean last night, and the night before that, and the night before that, and the night before that, and the night before that. life came out ahead of death for the following 3 reasons (in no particular order):
1) being able to hear lisa's voice again and being able to see her smile in person again
2) being able to pet a cat and see the look in it's eyes that for just one moment, i'm all it cares about
3) those rare times like the other day when chad was punk. when my friends and i all forget we're alive and just do. we're inhibited by nothing then and for a few hours, we own everything the is to own and most of what there isn't to own.

i've been sad enough the last few days that i can't cry. i can't get mad. i just stare at things. when my mom informed me that my debt was $1800 to the school instead of the $1100 i thought it was, i said ok. when utilities arived the other day and they were $153, i said oh well. my emotions are leaving me of their own free will and it's becoming harder to be happy. i just want some fucking peace. i just want a hug that doesn't make me think of being alone every night. i just want to be able to be alone and not sit there wishing i was crying. i just want to be able to be free of worries about money. i just want to be able to relax again. i just want to be able to live again.

"all of your so called 'reason' but you haven't tasted pain. you don't know peace 'til you have suffering."

the other day, my mom said she was worried about me because my cousin tried to kill himself and she said i was in a similar situation so she was worried i might try to also. don't worry mom, i won't. i guess that's all i can offer. i've run entirely out of reasons not to. i can't justify or reason why i won't anymore. i just simply won't. good bye.