Learning to smile, Part 1

I'm having conflict. I'm trying to be happy and quit dwelling on the dark things in life, in me. I'm trying not to focus on how things aren't working.
Conflict. I can't write unless I let myself feel those things. I can't make music unless I let myself be unhappy.
Possible resolution. When I'm at home, alone, and I've got time, write about it. Let it all out. When I'm out in public, when I'm with the world, forget about it all. Laugh and smile.
I know she doesn't read this anymore, but I'm sorry, Julia. I'm sorry that you predominantly got the dark. You cared and you were good enough to open up to. I forgot to give you the light. The smiles and laughter and dancing in the rain.
I'm remembering how to be happy again. I think things might be alright. Maybe.

"They'd see all of it, all of me, all of it.
All the good that won't come out of me
and all the stupid lies I hide behind.
It's such a big mistake"