This is what it feels like.

i think i'm sposta be upset that im no longer a teenager. i'm not upset by that. the following things are upsetting me too much for me to realy worry aobut not being a teenager.

1) my phone being turned off today. it'll be turned back on at 9 AM, but there goes all my birthday money
2) not having a job. that sucks. i've got no source of income to overcome the debt i have incured.
3) in less than 1 week, my dad will have died 2 years ago.
4) my mom and i got in an arguement about 30 minutes ago.
5) i've been crying all morning. i can't sleep. i'm not tired. i hurt. i hurt inside. i hurt inside all day. i hurt inside everyday.
6) to top things off, my mom informed me that the fines i'll have to pay for going to jail are going to toal about $1000. i can't afford to pay rent or utilities. how the fuck am i going to pay that. i can't pay the debt collectors. i can't pay my phone bill. i bought a fair ammount of food the day i got fired. when i'm homeless and i have a warrent out for my arrest, i'll have food. what has this life become?

i'm nearing entry 666. i don't even know if i have the strength to make it.

You say you're not strong enough to get out of bed.
I don't have the strength to go to bed
I'm scared of what I'll see when I get inside my head
My whole life's just a countdown to death
How long can he make it?
[Whichever angel picked Nov. 2002 looks like they're got a shot to win.]
And this, my friend,
Is what it's like to die
silently
Inside,
where no one's watching.

"And God himself will reach his fucking arm through, just to push you down, j-j-just to hold you down."