poverty to pain

like a bad tempered prom queen at a homecoming dance Is how i feel.

i'm just letting everything fall apart. i realize i'm doing it, but i i'm not changing anything. i'm currently letting life run me, i'm not in charge anymore.
example 1: i've not cleaned my apartment in several days because other people always make large messes and don't assist in cleaning. i've given up in resolve, since no one helps.
example 2: i've not gotten a job since i lost my last one. recently (the last 2 or 3 weeks) i've not even tried. i can't seem to get a job, so apparently life doesn't want me to have one. i've given up in resolve and i, once again, feel powerless to change anything.

i've gotta change things. things have changed me too much. this is not my life. this is not me. i hate this. people might be getting blown off more now, since i've gotta do things for myself. priority number 1 is get a job so i don't feel completely worthless. i've been dwelling on the fact that my step-sister called me cheap at christmas. i got her a $15 gift certificate. alll of my family got $15 or less worth of gifts from me. yet, after christmas, i've got $5 in my bank acount, since i DON'T HAVE A FUCKING JOB BECAUSE I'M A LAZY FUCKING BASTARD AND I'M TOO FUCKING EGOTISTICAL TO JUST BLAME MYSELF. it is my fault though. i know people have known this all along. i figure you've been entertained with all the excuses i've created. that's not why i created them. i created them because i'm weak. i'm fucking weak and it hurts me to say it. but here it is. i'm just as weak and mortal as everyone else.