Bleeding my heart dry so that when it breaks it doesn't stain

I came back home tonight with Lacey and Jonah, rather than spend another night in Des Moines. Things just weren't entertaining me there as much as I wished for them to. Breakfast was good this morning, and I convinced people that we needed to eat walking tacos for dinner, so that was awesome. Jon and I beat some things on Rock Band 2 that I didn't think we could and I definitely couldn't have without him. The conversations were kinda dull though. Jonah's never much of a talker and Lacey didn't have much to say. Jon and Tony really only wanted to talk sports, so I was fairly silent, which is so abnormal for me. I figure I'd rather be silent in silence than not be part of the conversation. I'm not really going to miss out on anything there tomorrow. Jon and Tony were planning on going to bed when we left and they're just planning on watching football tomorrow.
So, I'm back and I did have a good time, it just wasn't as good as I'd hoped. And the fun was over. I think my body is finally ready for some urban exploring, but I have no one to go with. I don't feel comfortable doing something like that with Lacey yet and Julia's taking time away from me. If I had my own car, I'd probably just go by myself.
It really feels like I should write about why I actually like Julia. Now's not the time though. It's fairly late and I'd rather do it when I have plenty of time. This time apart...this time that I've actually missed her voice and company...the fact that Lacey's been around...all of this makes me realize why I like Julia. What I like about her. In more ways than not, it makes me want to pull away from her or to "play the game" of getting her to like me. I won't though.
I think this is what it's like when you like someone, they make you happy, and you want to be with them, but you think they're too good for you. And they agree. You get to wish you were better. Good enough. But you can't just be good enough. So instead you get to want what you can't have. I think now's sposta be the time that I prove that I am good enough. I'm sposta buy flowers or write her a song or do something impressive. But really, if I'm not good enough, how long can I convince her that I am? I need to either be good enough or let her go because I'm not.
This is all way more than I set out to write. This is all way more than I'm typically comfortable with writing. But diary, don't tell the world. I'm not looking for an answer. I'm not looking for a hug. I'm just writing the darkness out. Bleeding my heart dry so that when it breaks it doesn't stain. I like that. I should use that for lyrics.