No more moping

I'm done fucking moping.
I'm not going to slip backwards into sorrow. I'm going to take steps forward. If Julia wants me, she can have me. I'll call her soon and talk to her. I miss hanging out with her most of all. Talking, laughing, playing video games. All the fun things. I miss kissing her and how she smells, and the feel of her hand in mine. Dwelling on it is getting me no where though. If I can't be more than her friend, than I need to not focus on it. If I can't be her friend, then I need to find a friend that I can do similar things with.
I will go urban exploring within a week. Even if it means by myself. Talking with Julia about it so much got me really excited to go. If she won't go, and I know my other friends won't, then I'll go alone. I'll figure out a way to get a car to go.
I'm remembering something I told myself a month ago. "Just because you can't have one thing you want doesn't mean that you should not have anything you want." Boo-fucking-hoo if Julia can't have Jeff. She's going to give up me because of it and lose out on more than she needed to. I'm not going to make the same mistake. Boo-fucking-hoo to me if I can't have Julia. I'm not going to let that hinder me doing the things that I want. I'll go urban exploring and visit all the haunted places. And she'll miss out on sharing that with me.
Lacey gave up on sharing her life with me about a year ago. We stayed together a while after that, but she decided that she needed sex from other people and since she couldn't have it, she refused to be happy with me. Now she realizes she was wrong, but you can't undo everything. I fell out of love and it's because she pushed me out.
Julia's worried that she should be with Jeff and she's making a big mistake. Only, he doesn't want to be with her because she pushed him away.
It's all the same, really. She wants to undo her mistakes. Lacey wants to undo hers. I want to undo mine. But none of us can undo what we've done. None of us can redo what we should have done. I don't want to blow a shot at something with Julia, because she makes me happy and I make her happy. I may be blowing it by writing all of this because I think she reads it, but I need to write this, for me. I think she's smart enough to know that.
Average... fuck that. She's so much more than average to me. So much more when she's with me. She could be happy and not be average. Or she can aspire for average and continue refusing happiness. Me. Well, I'm not average. And I'm not going to refuse happiness.