blah birthday part 19

my day got better at supper. my brother ended up being there. he was actually supposed to work, but he told them it was my birthday, so they let him leave. he, my sister and i joked around most of th time. it was fun. other than that, my day's still been fairly blah-esce. i thanked my mom for everything she's done for me. my eyes hurt. like i've been crying all day. i haven't been though. i've only been crying on the inside. and i figured out why. alot of the people i didn't expect to give a shit about my birthday (katy, corinne, angie, mike, tony t.) were the most enthusiastic about it. while others (mark, tony b., julie, bree) that i expected to care, don't seem to. last year, on this day, i talked to tory for 3 hours on the phone. and i spent several hours with my father. and tony called me from basic training (he had to sneak out to do it). i'd just met angie and she called and wished me a happy brithday. so did dj and a bunch of others. this year, i emailed tory. i don't expect to hear back from her. and i can't talk to my father. and tony didn't call. and i couldn't get ahold of him when i called. *shrug* i think i'm going to go read. maybe i'll actually cry (physically) instead of this crying inside bullshit. i've been on the verge of tears all day. i think it's that this is the first birthday without my father. it's REALLY hard to accept that. well, not to accept it, but to deal with it. i've accepted it, now i'm just dealing. ok, bye.