the first good november 7 in a while.

"when the sunshine don't work, the good lord brings the rain." ~ magnolia

well, november 7th has started with a vengence. tony called. he's deffinately not coming back in february. renner's going to see him in a little over a week. yes, i'm fucking jealous. i'm REALLy fucking jealous. dj, tony's mom, or i deserve to see him. and he's trying to get back with her, which she's apparently gong for. fuck that shit. every nov. 7, bad shit happens. well, up until today i've just accepted that. today, it doesn't. i'm done catogorizing today as bad. i'm gonna fucking do something about it. i'm gonna call renner and fucking tell her what's on my mind. i'm gonna fuckign call tory and let that bitch know how i feel about getting fucked over emotionally from the shit i went through. i'm gonna fucking clear my chest, my heart, my mind. i'm gonna use today to say everything i've wanted to say. i'm gonna piss a lot of people off. i might lose a friend or three. but, today's supposed to be bad. so, why not have the "bad" shit happen today and get it over with. i've never really given tory the what-for on how i feel and how i felt. i don't know if i love her. who am i to say you can fall out of love. i do want the best for her. i also want her to choke. that's what makes me human. i want the people that hurt me to hurt. and i want the people that helped me to be helped. tory's a wonderful example. she brought me so much happiness for a period of time. i loved her. and i am so glad i got to experience that. and then she managed to hurt me. more than anyone has ever hurt me before. she broke up with me. nov 7, 2000. and the following day, my dad died. ya, i hurt. i cried. i've never felt heart-ache like that. and never since have i again. mark probably knows a similar heart ache. ellie broke up with him the day before his dad died. mark and i have had a lot of the same experiences. anyway, tory basically shredded my fucking heart. and i rebuilt my heart. i rebuilt it incorrectly. oh boy did i fuck things up then. it was the worst portion of my life. and then tory and i began to speak again. and i met angie. i saw in her what i saw in tory. and _I_ hung up. i'd hung up on tory so many times in the past, and i always called her back. but angie was there. and i said good-bye to tory. she didn't think i ment it. i yelled about my hurt. she didn't care. i yelled about her hurting herself. she didn't care. she acknowledged that we had something once, and that it matterd. when i asked her if it would ever matter again, she said no. when i didn't argue she asked me why and i told her i had accepted it. she didn't like that. apparently, she needed me to argue and tell her otherwise. she wanted me to help her, but wouldn't help herself. i remembered what i'd heard in "the mexican." and it hurt so much, but felt so good. i hung up. "love means being able to let the person you love go." i let her go, and she fucked her life up even more. today will be the day that i call to check up. i'd also like to see how angie is doing. to REALLY talk to angie. i miss her. that's right, i fucking miss her. i'm not gonna go into love on this one. i just know she was something fucking special. and i want to make sure she's happy. i see tory in her. i REALLY do. and i'll be damned if i watch her fuck her life up like tory did. a lot of my ex-girlfriends REALLY don't like me. even julie isn't speaking to me any more. and since angie was something different from my normal girlfriends, i will not let another fuck her life up. today will not be a day of sorrow. today will not be a day of melancholy. today will be a day of rebirth. today, i will change myself. today, i will (hopfully) change angie. today, i will (hopefully) change tory. in addition to renner, tony b, and anyone else i might touch. i'm going to talk to mark today. he's going to fucking talk. i'll kick him in the dick or something like that if he doesn't. today, i will begin to right the wrongs i've commited. and i'll attempt to get others to do likewise. and in order for me to change shit, i need to be awake. which means i need to sleep. therefore, i will go sleep now. and when i awaken, i may not write, for i have things to do. if you read this part, change. always change. there's something you're doing wrong, there's something someone is doing wrong to you, or there's something you're not doing wrong because you never tried it in the first place. change something. fix something. and give a shit that you did.