Guilt.

originally, i believed that feeling
to be guilt raking my arm
i was, however, wrong
that's just a razor blade

"come to my room, in my bed, but the hole inside you never goes away. in the end, it's okay, but the hole inside you is still."

i feel rather guilty/naughty for not having responded to mellissa's email yet. she wrote it 8 days ago. i left her 1 message in her guest book asking her to write and she did the next day. i have yet to respond to her email. i think the guilt i feel is due to the fact that i don't intend to respond IMMEDIATELY after this posting. i've reread her email several times. i have no fear of a negative reaction from her, so i really have no reason to justify this, even to myself. i've no excuses left, and i'd like to admit that, dear diary.

i feel bad about letting dj and i grow apart. i've felt it for a long time and i'll probably never do anything about it. i'll play the role of the good friend when he moves and be sad and shit, and call on occassion, but i wish i didn't feel this removed from him. neither of us is to blame, nor is Zelda. it simply happened. prehaps i should attempt to remedy this, but i see that as "not to fucking likely."

i feel bad about letting mike's and my friendship deteriorate. lately i've been seeing more of him, and i still enjoy his company, but it is due to him putting forth effort, not me. this i feel really bad for. i blame this on jolene. no, she's not worthy of total blame, for if i REALLY cared as much as i do/should i'd not let her presence effect me. however, mike lets her presence effect him, which effects me in turn. i greatly dislike her, and thus greatly dislike her pressence. actually, i misworded that. i greatly dislike her pressence, not her. the actions she performs regularly and the ideas she express i find irritating, to say the least. having her in the pressence of mike and myself alters mike's actions, which in turn alters mine. thus, i not only don't appreciate her company, i prefer to not be excused to it.

i think that's enough guilt for now. orignally, this was simply supposed to be about emailing mellissa, but that got me going. now i've much too many thoughts attemtping to swirl simultaneously to document them all. i have many more guilts, but those will not be expressed right now.